Really perplexed.

Today I was in Target shopping for some Mother's Day cards for my mama. While scanning the multitude of cards expressing appreciation for someone's mother I stumbled upon a Mother's Day card for a.....

wait for it........


DAD!!!!

What the??!!??!!

Isn't Father's Day just around the corner?

Who is this dad that will be receiving a Mother's Day card? Is it a man who recently had a sex change? If so, then wouldn't he still get a mommy's day card? Or a card that reads:

"Dear sex changed parental unit, I'm so confused but supportive of your decision to make this transformation from man to woman. Gee golly goo, I love you."

I with I had, had my camera so I could've taken a photo or gotten the name of the cardmaker but I was way too shocked and perplexed by the site of this card.

This world makes less sense with each day.

Under construction.

Please bear with me while I make some changes to my blog. I'm trying to make it simple yet interesting. Upbeat minimalism? Anyway, trying to edit html codes is quite time consuming. I think I'm doing ok so far.

I'm hoping to have everything completed within the next couple of days. My brother who is a tech savante - read computer geek - will be helping me out. I will of course be thinking of a new title.

This is where I go *BAH!!!!!*

Making sense?

Q: What does make sense?
A: A Toyota Prius with the bumper sticker, "Go ahead and pass me, I'm convserving gas mileage," while going 55 mph on a 55 mph speed limit highway in Hawai'i.

Q: What doesn't make sense?
A: A magazine whose theme is eco-consciousness but not using recycled paper.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's hiking we shall go....

Aidan and I at the beginning of our hike with my cousin Kamaka on the Aiea Loop Trail. We're ready and excited for an adventure.

Here's Aunty Kamaka, our awesome guide and helper. I'm very grateful that she wanted to go hiking with us, since it isn't safe to hike alone with a baby and it's a good opportunity to catch up and bond.

Looking out on a spectacular view. It was so nice to be away from all of the noise.

The Kamaka's - (From L to R) Kamaka'koa & Kamaka'aina.The little man and his "teething face" he was so excited and happy to be out in nature. There were a lot of squeaks and squeals of joy. He also some great stories to share during the hike ;o)I thought this was pretty nifty looking, a big branch hanging on a tree, facing downward.We were constantly canopied by trees. It was so nice to feel engulfed by them. Aidan started getting tired and we were getting to a point where the trail was getting narrower and higher elevation so we decided to turn around and head back home. It would have been nice to have had a proper backpack carrier but I loved being able to see Aidan and I'm sure he appreciated being close to mommy's chest; he loves hearing my heart beat. I do plan on getting a proper backpack carrier though, I'd feel a bit more balanced and confident about walking on the narrow paths. Anyway, isn't this photo just precious? Us at the end of the hike. I had such a great time. The 3 of us ended up making a full day out of Saturday with hiking and going to the beach. Aidan went into the ocean, well Kamaka took him and helf him above the water to rinse him off. He was pretty much covered in sand. Aidan's still not a big fan of the big blue but he's getting better; his grip isn't as tight when we walk along the shore. We'll get there though, maybe next weekend we'll try a beach with some little lagoon and ponds so that he can just sit in the water and hang out.

It was a good 12 hour day. Aidan slept through the WHOLE night. No midnight wake ups to be cuddled. It was so nice to sleep through the night. Now if I can just get him to sleep in until 7:30 am on the weekends, instead of our usual 5:30 am wake up time. Anyway, a fun thing to do for free in Hawai'i? Hiking the abundance of trails on the island of Oahu then go to the beach, from mauka to makai - mountain to sea. One will definitely feel a bit more centered from all the nature.

Jeg savner Norge

Ever since the day I'd left for college I would get homesick. Then when I moved to Norway I had a few moments - read months - of terminal homesickness. If anyone has ever been lived abroad you will probably understand. Lately I've been getting homesick for Norway, what I call my 2nd country and home. Jeg savner Norge veldig, veldig masse. This little land of fjords has been on my mind a lot lately. Probably because it was a much simpler time. My schedule was:

• Wake up
• Clean the house
• Get out (to thaw) whatever I was cooking for dinner that night
• Watch the tele or go to my Eastern Religion class at the University of Oslo or hang out with one of my fellow au pair friends
• Pick up Ingeborg from school
• Make Erlend and Ingeborg a snack
• Take Ingeborg to violen lessons and sometimes Erlend to guitar lessons
• Make dinner
• Then go out and have fun at the clubs or at another au pair's house or go to my Norwegian language class or go on an adventure
• The weekends were totally for ME

I only had to work 5 hours max during the day and didn't have to worry about rent or utilities or groceries. Life was good and to this day my year in Norway has been the best. I'm very thankful and proud of that time. It was fabulous (said in a Tim Gunn voice).

Anyway that is the past and I have moved on from it but every now and then I get homesick and every now and then I long for Norway. So here are some photos to share of my year overseas. There are some many more but these are the ones I chose:

A view from the farmhouse in central Norway; near Trondheim. Hans Christansen are you out there?

Erlend in front of the farmhouse. I loved coming to the farmhouse, it was peaceful and surrounded by nothing but nature. You could hear sheep and their bells in the morning. Pave your own cross country ski path. Walk on the road and not worry about getting hit by a car. If one could picture the world before the Industrial Age, this place would be the perfect image. The town was hardly a town. It was absolutely perfect and my favorite hiding place when I got tired of the city life in Oslo. I just felt so nurtured in this house.

My favorite place in the farmhouse. The books that I bought and received for gifts still reside there. Cool thing is that there are books from the 1800's read by royalty in the farmhouse. My host mother's family would rent out rooms to people and the royal family when they went fishing. I can still smell the books.

I was fortunate enough to have an old high school/soccer friend, Medusa, visit. This is us sitting on the sidelines of the national Norwegian soccer stadium. VG is a norwegian newspaper, the most circulated in the country. I remember on the grocery store runs I would pick up a heap load of periodicals for my host mother and VG and Aftenposten were her main reads.

Medusa striking a pose with one of the many statues at Vigelandsparken. During the spring and summer this park, aka Frognerparken, people frequent to picnic and laze around in the sun. This is where I had my 23rd birthday party picnic. Anyway I was so happy to have an old friend to visit and show around, I felt very special. This is my Brasilian friend Thalita and me on a ferry ride to one of the islands in the Oslo bay area. She and I were inseparable when I first arrived to Norway. We met during my first week at an au pair meeting in a nearby town's library. I went back the next week to see if I could meet any other au pairs. They were all Swedish and had their click and wanted nothing to do with an American girl. My first and last time being rejected for being an American. This was a bit funny after I made a few amazing Swedish friends; they're so sweet and very fun to hang out with. Anyway, Thalita and I went out every weekend and would wait for the late night bus to take us home from the city. Her bus always came before mine and I always had to wait 30-45 minutes longer but I was very thankful that I could go out, have fun, and not worry about having to drive. Anysnooze, this was a really great day, we went to Vigelandsparken and had our own little photo shoot with her friend, Daniella and Patricia, then went on this ferry ride.

This is still one of my favorite days to date. It was a beautiful day, the snow was melting away which is usually an ugly site but it was majestic, the sun was out so it was the perfect amount of warm and cold. The children and I spontaneously decided to go outside, walk around and just play; get dirty. It was so much fun photographing them. They were so happy to be outside and to be photographed. I might get a chance to see them this summer. Fingers crossed! I miss them dearly.

During my time in Norway my best friend came to London to visit her brother who was studying at the LSE before her trip to South Africa. So of course I hopped on the next jet and spent a week with my bestie. It was a week of spontaneity, dancing, and cultural enrichment. This is us standing next to one of the well-known British guards. Right before the photo was taken my bestie had just asked the guard if he was tickelish. I was starting to laugh when our own guide/friend Sol said, "Cheese!" You can't tell but I almost bursted into chuckles.

So on the first day that we arrived to London my Bestie, who we'll call Bestie, asked me what I thought of Paris. My initial answer was, "They can keep it, I prefer Barcelona." Her response was, " Well I was thinking we could go to Paris tomorrow. A day in Paris, fun. But we don't have to go if you don't want to." Umm...a chance to see another Europen city? Heck yes! Now I firmly believe that one cannot fall in love at first sight but I definitely did with Paris. Paris je t'aime! I soon became obsessed or passionate about fashion and all things Paris. Everything was so beautiful, granted we had to wake up at the crack of dawn, take a 4 hour total train ride (to and fro) cram a lot things in one day, say a quick hello to her brother when we got back to London, and then have to wake up early again the next day but it was all worth it. The next time I go to Paris is when I'm with the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I want to share the beauty of Paris with him and just him...just for the next time.

This is why we had to wake up early the next day after our trip to Paris. We took a bus tour around London we saw the changing of the guards, Big Ben, cruised on the Thames and the last destination was The Globe. If I was going to see anything in The Big Smoke it was going to be Shakespeare's Globe. Where his plays were performed. Sure it's had a little makeover and moved but it's there and he.....well I just felt at home. Though it was closed that day so that's as close as I could get but I was still satisfied.
This is my Ozzie friend Sonia and me after a day of lying under the sun at Frognerparken. We just finished getting dolled up for a night out to be filled with dancing and meeting random people of many different languages. I'm very thankful to say that she will be visiting this summer...actually I'm so excited that I could explode into a milllion little pieces. We would buy fruit and try to make smoothies which would instead turn out to be sorbet, sit in carparks and eat banans and strawberries while trying to figure out what we'll do next, but our main thing was strawberries and dark chocolate. YUM. Fond memories of tapas for her birthday, spontaneous camping trips, and other fun random adventures. "Slow down you're walking like soldiers!" she yelled after a night of music (concert on the waterfront), dancing, and having to or foolishly deciding to walk from Oslo to our friend Gesa's house outside of the city. This walk took about 3 hours perhaps due to Sonia's fatigue and frusturation with Gesa and I for walking to fast. Cheeky girl.This is another great day. The 3 of us, Sonia, me, & Gesa decided to have a mini picnic and walk around Oslo. We took a heap load of photos that day with us posing under a little canopy type thing that had lights all over it, to pretending that we were walking on water, and doing more poses in front of random trailers parked on the street.

Gesa & Sonia on the same day as above. Aren't they lovely?
This is pretty much the group. The photo was taken on Lubomira's, she's 3rd one from the right, last day our friend from Czech Republic at one of our hang outs......TGI Friday's. . I don't think I've had so much time around so much estrogen since then. Let's see Sonia, me, Franny, Gesa, Lubomira, Elena, and Jana. We've got Australia, U.S., England, 3 from Germany, and Czech Republic. We were quite the little group. Oh and I will not ever go to another TGI Friday's. I was mortified to be at an American establishment in a foreign country. I felt so....mainstream.

This was my fellow expat, Kiera, she is still an expatriate. Where in the world is Kiera now? We had plans to take over Vogue; she being the Editor-in-Chief, since she was the writer and me the Creative Director, since I took the photos. These days I can't stand Vogue but I still love to shoot so who knows where life will take me. Anyway, this photo was taken on one of my last days in Norway. We went to a concert on the waterfront where the music lasted all night and it never got dark. Remember the movie "Insomnia"? Yep, the light doesn't fade during the summers in Norway just like in Alaska. B-U-T-FUL.

This photo was taken my last day in Norway. The children and I, again spontaneously, decided to go out and have time just for the 3 of us. I was sad to be leaving them but it didn't really feel like I was. It's always surreal when leaving a place you grow to love and be comfortable in. It was another beautiful day. Just us. Walking around a park and hanging out at the beach. That night when I went out with my friend Sonia the children had a fit which made it quite difficult to leave the house. It was shocking yet sweet to see how much they were going to miss me. On my flight back to the States the next day we cried all the way to the airport. We paused while we were in public, waiting for my flight but I was a wreck on the plane from Oslo to London and from London to Seattle. The flight attendant on the Oslo to London flight asked me if I was afraid of flying or leaving someone I love. The words were barely comprehensible but she somehow understood that I was leaving "a loved one." Many loved ones. The children and their parents, my friends, and Norway.

That's my time in Norge; the short version. Best year of my life but I'm thinking Aidan's first year is going to be the most enlightening.

He's on the move!

I'm so proud:

***Lower your volume for this one....mommy voice overload!!! Please forgive me.

Trying to find the niche...

If you're a regular follower of this blog, the few that do, you will have noticed that I've changed my header about 5 million times give or take. I've been trying to figure out a header that will pop out, like *BAM* here we are. Instead of just keeping this blog an update of our lives I'd like to begin to make it an outlet for other parents and especially single parents; hopefully provide some resources while still updating my friends and family on Aidan's developments.

While I was pregnant I was trying to look for some great local resources and support groups for soon to be single mothers and then single mothers. When I researched on the internet I got these results:

• Single parents meet other single parents (not interested in dating AT ALL)
• Abused women and children (wasn't in a physically abusive relationship)
• Singlemoms.com (not local)
• Singlemoms.org (not local)
• Dating after divorce (wasn't married)
• WIC or Childcare Vouchers (earned too much money)

And the list goes on and while some of those websites were relevant to my situation I just wasn't satisfied. Some of them were only targeted to women who had just gone through a divorce or women who were in a bad situation or the websites were just angry women complaining about the fathers. I was more looking for a way to connect with single parents in person and talk about how they personally parent their child without the help of a partner. I wanted to go to a group and talk about how it is possible to do this on my own. Perhaps I didn't use the right words when searching but when I went to my social worker for help she wasn't much of one either. It wasn't until I had given birth to Aidan that I had met a social worker who understood that I wanted to find a local parenting group to connect with. She actually did some research and had given me a folder full of groups around the Boston area and one in Salem. Granted the parenting group in Salem was mostly married parents but it was still nice to connect with them and they helped me feel better about raising a child.

Anyway, I wish that I had been able to find a single pregnant women's group, I think I would have shed fewer tears and felt better supported. Not that my friends and family weren't supportive it's just that I was the first of my friends to have a baby and my cousins who had children were married...so it was hard to relate. So my goal for this blog is to hopefully help pregnant single mothers and single parents. I want them to know and understand that it's possible to be a happy and supportive parent to their child. That there will be hardships but from those hardships comes many great achievements....you're a parent! You get to be a witness to someone's life....for life! I hope to show women that yeah it sucks not having the father present for their child but there are chances for their child to be exposed to great male role models. Same thing for single fathers too; their child will have the chance to know a positive female influence.

Another goal is for this blog to not seem like a venting medium. Not into that. That's what friends and family are for. *wink*

So do you have any suggestions on a good Header? Right now I've got "Mama on the go" because we always seem to be on the go.

Oh have I shared with you that Aidan is army crawling and pulling himself up? Will he crawl or walk first?

P.S. It's raining in Hawai'i today.

Will you do anything?

Image borrowed from this site.

Earth day always brings back fond memories of walking around Balboa Park in San Diego with my dad. At the time I didn't really understand Earth Day; I thought it was just a fun time to get out of the house with my dad, eat some good food, watch people with wild hair roam around, listen to splashy music, and collect posters and stickers with pandas or trees. I loved going to Earth Day with my papa. It wasn't really until we moved to Washington and for some reason stopped going to the event (Why dad, why?) that I realized what it was all about. Eco-awareness.

We also used to go to the local grocery store with the cans (recycling bottles for money wasn't happening yet) that we had saved and put them in the recycling machine and got our nickles. Again we stopped doing that when we moved to Washington due to the fact that Washington State didn't (maybe still doesn't?) give back money for recycling. Instead you get some fun plastic blue bins to place your newspapers, aluminum, glass, and plastics then throw them out on Recycling Day each week...and pay for this pick up service. For cardboard boxes, which we had heaps of from when we moved, we went to the local recylcing place and threw them in a big cardboard dumpster.

It was also important for us to turn off any unused lights or any type of electricity so that we could conserve energy and of course keep the utilities bills lower. Oh and turn off the water if you weren't using it. My parents were awesome at taking 5 minute showers but I loved the feeling of the water pattering on my body so my showers tended to a tiny bit longer.

All in all I'm proud to say that I come from a very eco-friendly household. But that's not all.

The best year of my life to date was while I was living in Norway working as an au pair. Now if you're from the Northwest or if you've been there or know anyone from there you'll know that we're pretty zealous about being not just eco-friendly but eco-conscious and eco-advocates; we've got loads of organizations and newspapers promoting eco-consciousness. The beautiful NW is nothing compared to Scandinavia. In Norway they have a commercial about a man who wakes up in the middle of night, grabs a carton of milk, drinks the rest of the milk, and then just throws it in the regular trash bin. Right when this happens all of his family members wake up and run down to the kitchen screamin, "What have you done?!!??" in Norwegian of course. Here's an example of what they're commercials are like, this one is way tamer than the one's I've watched in Norway. To view more of their commercials click here but they're all in Norwegian, so if you don't know the language then you won't be able to understand but some of them are so cute and funny anyway that it just might be a nice break from your daily routine. Anyway, they were so great about recycling, everything was separated but instead of using a plastic bin they had these large kind of mesh bags to put them in so that they were biodegradable. Innovative people these scandinavians. There were hardly any trucks or SUVs and if there were they were just for utility purposes. They have an amazing public transportation system, so if you don't own a car you can still get home....even at 3:00 am from the city on a Friday or Saturday night. And they've got the cleanest air....which was very apparent when I went to London. My lungs were so used to clean air that when I went to the Big Smoke I came back to Oslo with bronchitis.

Now I'm here in Hawai'i where Malama Honua (Care for the Earth) is very important, so important that there is a crew preparing for a worldwide sailing voyage to learn and teach about how to care for our Earth with all of the different cultures. For Hawaiians, the land/Earth is a very sacred place that should be honored.

So what do I do to honor this Earth? Anything I can because I don't want my son to have to grow up and live in a place that is of less quality than we have right now on this planet. In fact it would be great if he could end up living in better quality. So I recycle, do my laundry at night, read about how to have a greener lifestyle, send shout out e-mails to people about how awesome participating in a CSA is, tell and ask other people about the importance of being green. In fact, I was probably the most annoying person when it came to the importance of taking care of this Earth when I was at work ; taking people's bottles and putting them in a plastic bag to throw in the street during Friday recycling pick ups or complaining about not recycling the insane amounts of papers used, and I even jumped into the disgusting Liberty Bay in Poulsbo, WA when I saw a piece of paper flying and dropping into the water....during a date.. I also plan on teaching and showing my son the importance of caring for this Earth. There's so much more that I can do and I will do my best at doing so.

What are you doing? What will you do? Will you do anything?

I miss...

Madeline Alice Spohr

I cannot even imagine and don't really want to imagine what it is like to lose a child, especially one so young. My heart goes out to the Spohr family on this day. It's hard to think of anything to say that wouldn't be a cliche. I guess I feel some connection not just because I'm a mother but because Aidan's father and I were going to name him Madeline if he had been a girl.

We're wearing purple for and thinking of you Maddie.

Please continue to help support the Spohr's in their efforts to raise money for the March of Dimes walk on April 25th. Just click on Maddie's picture to the right.

Curse of the mommy bulge!!!

Granted I've had this "mommy bulge" since I gave birth to the bambino but it's just funny to button up my pants and see that I've got 2 bellies!!! You know what I'm talking about...I'd post a photo but the sight is just way too horrific and I'd like to reamin somewhat classy. I mean I can fit comfortably in my pants; not feel suffocated or like I'm blocking the blood flow but it's just that excess skin that's hanging around until I've done enough sets of 500 sit-ups and 8 minute abs. It's moments like this that I'm glad that I don't have a partner...I wouldn't want him to have to watch me dress, button up my pants and see this bagel belly.

I would go through pregnancy again but I think that when I reach the 8 month mark, I'll refrain from appeasing my regained appetite. You could tell I was pregnant throughout the whole pregnancy but I could fit into my regular clothes until I reached 8 months and then it was all down hill from there....stretchmarks and then post-partum bulge.....BULGE!!!!!!!!!!

I'll get belly-licious soon but I think I'll still keep the dating jazz on the "2 year wait list."

P.S. Aidan is now able to army crawl and is starting to pull himself up....the townhouse is 1/2 way to being baby proofed. It's time to complete that this weekend. It's crazy how fast my little bambino is growing.

Easter.

Aidan and I after churchUs at brunch. It's a bit upsetting that you can't tell that Baby Boot Camp has been kicking my bottom for a month. I'll get there though. Pre-opened Easter Basket. Lots of baby food from the Easter Bunny.

More to share later. It's sleepy time.

I've gone purple for Maddie.

Hey folks! I'm going purple for an indefinite amount of time for Madeline Spohr. I read through her mother's, Heather Spohr, blog (not functioning at the moment) about the pregnancy and how Maddie came into this world. It is important that we do what we can to help prevent premature births and promote healthy babies, that is why I had signed up to do the March of Dimes walk this April 25th with Hawaiimomslikeme.com but instead I ask that you donate to the non-profit organization on behalf of the Spohr Family. Just click on the box to the right with the beautiful baby girl that says "For Maddie."

***Update - For information on how to show your support for the Spohr family please click here.

Giving life.

My dad during his visit in Boston Summer 2007

Don't think I've forgotten about my 4 topics for the month of April. Some of you may or may not be aware that April is "Organ Donation" month. So slap on a green bracelet, check your driver's license, and if you've got a heart (or ORGAN DONOR) on it then you're one person who can save many lives.

Five years ago one person was able to provide my dad "the gift of life." My dad received a heart transplant on January 19th, 2004; it was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. The day before his transplant is still one of the best days of my life to date; my friend Megan and I went walking around the town I attended college at, it was a perfect winter day....snow, sun, and just the perfect amoun to cold. On that walk we must have talked about everything but on the way back to our home I asked Megan what her top 3 wishes would be. Sorry Megs but I can't remember what yours were. Anyway she asked me the same question and I remember one of my wishes were for my dad to be healthy again. That night/the next morning I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend and I were together again, happy, just hanging out and talking....then he put his hand on my heart & smiled and then I was woken up by my phone ringing. Being upset that I was disturbed by my happy dream I ignored the phone call until I heard the "you've got a voicemail" beep. I saw on my phone that the missed call was from my mom and when I checked my voicemail she told me that the doctors had found a heart for my dad and that he was getting a transplant. It's hard to describe how I felt when I heard that message, all I wanted to do was hear it again and just hop on the next plane to Seattle.

The memory of when I arrived at the hospital for my dad is a bit of a blur. I just remember feeling shocked....this is what I wanted to happen but it was all so surreal. When the heart arrived and the surgeons were ready for my dad, I walked with them as they took him to the OR (I wanted to watch but family members aren't allowed to view their relative's operations). It was hard to watch them take him (the expression on his face was hazed (because of the medication they had given him pre-op)) because I didn't want to lose sight of him.....one never really knows how the surgery will go.....I didn't want him to miss his 2nd chance at life. Once a patient has the ok for a transplant everything seems to happen much too fast. The patient and family members don't really have a moment to process what's going on. Anyway, after about 6 hours? 8 hours? The transplant was successful. My dad had a new heart and his 2nd chance at life.

He was in what I call a coma for a while....there were some complications or issues that came up because of the transplant but he's a strong man. The recovery time did require some patience but my dad was educated about his situation and therefore prepared. Five years later he and my mom are planning a 3 week cruise around Europe for this summer. He's traveled abroad to countries like Greece and Chile. Walks everyday; just does what he can to stay in shape. Takes all of his medication and on schedule. My dad, now retired, goes around Washington State talking to high school age kids about the importance of organ donation and loves it. It's his way of giving back. He's making the best out of the amazing gift that was given to him; he's doing what he can to make sure he doesn't miss a beat.

Being an organ donor is a voluntary choice but a beautiful and very gracious one. Please don't think that you're just one person and that it wouldn't matter if you didn't check the "Organ Donor" box when you're applying for your driver's license. On the contrary, it matters very much, you're not just saving one life...you're saving many; a heart could go to someone in Oregon, the kidneys could go to someone in California, and so on and so on. Please check out Donate Life's website and Life Center Northwest for more information on becoming an organ donor. These websites can help you understand about the importance of talking about it with your family members or which religions do allow it.

For those of you getting your driver's license don't forget to check the "I want to be an Organ Donor" box. For those of you who have your DL and don't have Organ Donor on it....look into getting that changed. Organ donation changes so many lives in such positive ways. I'm so thankful for the gift that has been given to my dad.

Have a very safe and happy Easter or Passover.

***To get a better back story about my dad's experience please click here.

This single mama...

It isn't my goal for this blog to be an outlet for my frusturations as a single mom, I think it's boring and only for myself to know about. Things is I don't really have many frusturations as a single mother because I really just see myself as a mother....no "single" in front of it. I see myself as Aidan's mommy and that's all that matters to me. I mention this now in my blog because of a few comments, not bad ones or mean ones just comments.

At times I will look at Aidan and think...."Wow you look so much like your father right now." Indeed, those times do include when he's whining (he seriously does look like his father when he does this at times and there are times where looks like me when he whines) but most of those times are when he has a certain expression or smile on his face that his father made, or there are just days where he looks more like his father than he does me. Aidan loves to not only be held but he will pull your face so close to his so that he can give you a kiss (a kiss to him is where he just puts his open mouth on your cheek or chin) or look at someone new and just stare, observe/study them and then decide if he wants to smile at them or not. His father is a very passionate and curious person...I enjoy thinking that Aidan gets those traits from his father. When I look at him and make that comment I am happy. Other people needn't think or say, "Oh that must be a bad thing when she says that." I do not resent or have negative feelings towards Aidan's father, I'm thankful for him, if it weren't for his father I wouldn't have Aidan. My life is better with my little bambino in it.

It is true that Aidan didn't come into this world under "ideal" circumstances and it was challenging going through the pregnancy without a "partner" but he was greeted with love. The first person in my life to see Aidan was my cousin, we'll give her the code name....Rachel since I know she would rather keep her name private. Rachel was the first person to look at him with love. After the nurses cleaned him up he was handed to me and I looked at him with love, I said his name with love, and I held him with love. If being brought into the world with love isn't ideal then I don't know what is. During my pregnancy I had my friends from work, CR & RMM, to talk to Aidan through the belly, my sister to spend the night with me when I was at my lowest, my best friends to either throw me a shower or stay up at night to chat, another friend who came to my birthing classes with me, and my cousins who put a roof over my head & setup the crib, and my parents to help give me advice and just listen....I had multiple partners to help get me through the pregnancy and keep me zen. If only I could've had somoeone to have done the cooking, cleaning, laundry, essentials shopping and back rubs. *wink* sort of.

Am I looking for a partner? How do I say this without sounding bitter towards men........I'm off men. My focus is on Aidan and providing for him and with job hunting, interviewing, getting back in shape, trying to build a network/community, getting reacquainted with family, getting acquainted with the island.....how could I possibly make time for a date? And seriously after giving birth...let's just say I am very happy to be celibate for a year or two. I'd feel sorry if I did have a partner....

Hypothetical partner - Honey, let's get it on.
Me - Not tonight but feel free to ask me in a year.
---End relationship

Admittingly, I do have moments when I think that it would be nice to share Aidan's special moments (which is every moment of his life) with someone or have someone around to help check on him during the middle of the night but then I get over it. The only hardship I really have is the financial aspect of it all. If only childcare weren't so much I'd be all set, which I laugh at myself when I think that since I was an au pair.

So being a single mom isn't easy heck it isn't easy being a parent period but it's all worth it when my son smiles, tries to crawl, coos, laughs, gives me kisses, or is just being a baby. I am thankful for having met his father, what kind of example would I be setting if I bashed the man who helped create him and like I stated before it's way too boring to listen to a woman complain about a man. My goal is to raise Aidan to be a strong, confident, loving man. Perhaps someday I will meet a fella and we'll decide to spend the rest of our lives together and maybe we'll expand the family that Aidan and I are already. Mostly, I'm focused on just being a happy mama. I mean who wouldn't be a giddy mama over this baby?