It isn't my goal for this blog to be an outlet for my frusturations as a single mom, I think it's boring and only for myself to know about. Things is I don't really have many frusturations as a single mother because I really just see myself as a mother....no "single" in front of it. I see myself as Aidan's mommy and that's all that matters to me. I mention this now in my blog because of a few comments, not bad ones or mean ones just comments.
At times I will look at Aidan and think...."Wow you look so much like your father right now." Indeed, those times do include when he's whining (he seriously does look like his father when he does this at times and there are times where looks like me when he whines) but most of those times are when he has a certain expression or smile on his face that his father made, or there are just days where he looks more like his father than he does me. Aidan loves to not only be held but he will pull your face so close to his so that he can give you a kiss (a kiss to him is where he just puts his open mouth on your cheek or chin) or look at someone new and just stare, observe/study them and then decide if he wants to smile at them or not. His father is a very passionate and curious person...I enjoy thinking that Aidan gets those traits from his father. When I look at him and make that comment I am happy. Other people needn't think or say, "Oh that must be a bad thing when she says that." I do not resent or have negative feelings towards Aidan's father, I'm thankful for him, if it weren't for his father I wouldn't have Aidan. My life is better with my little bambino in it.
It is true that Aidan didn't come into this world under "ideal" circumstances and it was challenging going through the pregnancy without a "partner" but he was greeted with love. The first person in my life to see Aidan was my cousin, we'll give her the code name....Rachel since I know she would rather keep her name private. Rachel was the first person to look at him with love. After the nurses cleaned him up he was handed to me and I looked at him with love, I said his name with love, and I held him with love. If being brought into the world with love isn't ideal then I don't know what is. During my pregnancy I had my friends from work, CR & RMM, to talk to Aidan through the belly, my sister to spend the night with me when I was at my lowest, my best friends to either throw me a shower or stay up at night to chat, another friend who came to my birthing classes with me, and my cousins who put a roof over my head & setup the crib, and my parents to help give me advice and just listen....I had multiple partners to help get me through the pregnancy and keep me zen. If only I could've had somoeone to have done the cooking, cleaning, laundry, essentials shopping and back rubs. *wink* sort of.
Am I looking for a partner? How do I say this without sounding bitter towards men........I'm off men. My focus is on Aidan and providing for him and with job hunting, interviewing, getting back in shape, trying to build a network/community, getting reacquainted with family, getting acquainted with the island.....how could I possibly make time for a date? And seriously after giving birth...let's just say I am very happy to be celibate for a year or two. I'd feel sorry if I did have a partner....
Hypothetical partner - Honey, let's get it on.
Me - Not tonight but feel free to ask me in a year.
Admittingly, I do have moments when I think that it would be nice to share Aidan's special moments (which is every moment of his life) with someone or have someone around to help check on him during the middle of the night but then I get over it. The only hardship I really have is the financial aspect of it all. If only childcare weren't so much I'd be all set, which I laugh at myself when I think that since I was an au pair.
So being a single mom isn't easy heck it isn't easy being a parent period but it's all worth it when my son smiles, tries to crawl, coos, laughs, gives me kisses, or is just being a baby. I am thankful for having met his father, what kind of example would I be setting if I bashed the man who helped create him and like I stated before it's way too boring to listen to a woman complain about a man. My goal is to raise Aidan to be a strong, confident, loving man. Perhaps someday I will meet a fella and we'll decide to spend the rest of our lives together and maybe we'll expand the family that Aidan and I are already. Mostly, I'm focused on just being a happy mama. I mean who wouldn't be a giddy mama over this baby?