November 25, 2009

Heavy Part 2 - Depression and the Parent

Disclosure: All these words are true. It is another post with jumbled words. This post may not make sense to you but know that I wouldn't ever, NEVER EVER do anything to harm my little Bambino. I did not nor do I suffer from post partum depression. My son is safe and one happy little fella. He is my love, my world, my all. Besides living for myself, the Bambino is my biggest reason for life. I hope that any other single parents or coupled parents that have gone or are going through depression will find the words to this series of posts helpful.

Always, Restless Mama

Did you read my last post? Did you click and read the link at the end?

So with my expectations of the Bambino's father, the big move, the major change not being met and many other factors I shut down. Went numb. While this is fine for some people it didn't feel right. For the past 6 years I've been living by the motto, "Life is what you make it," and not being able to get out of my funk was frusturating me. And yes this affected those around me...OK but it wasn't ok that it affected the way I parent.

To me it is not at all acceptable to be numb and/or shut off when you've got a little person to raise. To watch grow and reach milestone after milestone. To be their #1 cheerleader. To love them. And well it's kind of hard to do any of that when you're mind and heart have been shut off.

No I did not stop cheering on the Bambino and yes sometimes my enthusiasm was fake but I did it. For my son to grow to his best potential he needs all of the love and support he needs. That is my job. If he starts crawling you jump up and down for the joy that is that milestone. He turns one? Throw the biggest party and get wild celebrating the beauty that is the first year of a person's life. And don't fake a moment of it.

But my job felt just like that - a horrible, tedious task. Feed the baby. Change the baby's diaper. Stop the baby from trying to pull the plug covers off. Don't yell at the baby. Don't scare the baby by waking up in the middle of the night pounding the area around him because he won't. stop. crying! The crying. The endless crying. The endless and loud crying one night. Then a week. Then weeks. No sleep. The non-sleeping. This job - motherhood sucked.

Now I never wanted to bail on the Bambino. I would never hurt him. NEVER, EVER would I hurt the baby. But at that moment during that one night I just lost it. I had, had enough of the crying. Had enough of all of the letdowns I had experienced since our move. Enough. I needed to let it all out but I had never planned on acting out that way. It all just happened. One minute I was lying in bed with my baby and the next he was crying and then I just flipped out. Freaked the hell out of my baby.

And it was then. At that moment that I knew I couldn't do my job properly if I didn't get any help.

Yes I know that during the first year of the Bambino's life I hadn't taken a break. No time for myself but my plan was to focus on my son during his first year. No men. No time to myself other than work. Just us. Get to know my little Bamino. In retrospect I probably should've taken more time to myself.

Anyway I met with a therapist once before the incident but decided it was time to go back after that. I knew that if I didn't I might turn into a crazy person and not only would the Bambino be without a proper father figure, he'd be out a mama. And I would not have the most important person, my biggest love in my life because I had just let myself go numb and then somehow really explode.

It was time to not just starting feeling but feel good again.

To be continued......

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