November 24, 2009

Heavy: Part 1

The words to the following series of posts just might read word vomit and for that I apologize. Also, I did much debating on whether or not I would even post about the following because who wants to hear another single mama complain about her life? But it's more than a single mama sharing her woes - it's me. It's what's been happening and this is my blog. So if you don't feel like reading this jazz then go elsewhere and I mean that in a non-mean yet stern way. Some of you (my parents and my 3 most important friends) know the whole story but here it is for the rest of you.

Depression is a mother chucker. But let me give you a little background as to why I'm dealing with it right now. My doctor says it's Situational Depression and now a story to show why.

Pretty much from the time we landed in Seattle to when we arrived here in Hawaii I've been feeling off. In the beginning I attributed that feeling to the time changes, jet lag, and all that comes with moving from one coast to another - from one way of life to another. Moving is a difficult decision to make and doing the action is just as difficult if not more.

Things in Seattle were only challenging because my parents only wanted what would be best for the Bambino and me. Though we had different opinions on my move I knew that they loved me and only wanted us to be safe and secure. But at the time I thought that our move to Hawaii was going to be the best for us.

You see as great as it was living in Boston, at the time, it seemed impossible with our new situation. My sister had decided to go back to school full time and I didn't think I'd be able to afford anyone to watch the Bambino. I didn't think I'd be able to find a higher paying job in time (I had a month) plus I have this thing called loyalty when I work for a company with people I love, a suitable care provider, and the list goes on. I had already given up anything extra in my life so with the offer of living in Hawaii rent-free I thought it was the best decision.

I didn't think I was going into this big change blind - I had a job, childcare, and transportation setup. I was excited to reconnect with my family in Hawaii - hang out with my cousin, the Bambino's Aunty Maka, my aunts and uncles. It was going to be great to get back in shape by exploring the island and getting in touch my Hawaiian roots. Lady Boss back in Boston named this new chapter, Aloha Zen. And so I thought it was going to be so.

Not so much. Things didn't go as planned. The job, the childcare didn't go as planned. My family here was divided because of my move. The culture shocked me - froze me. I hated the warm weather - crazy I know. And though I am supported by my family it just wasn't the same as being in Boston with the greatness that is the "H" family.

Now I have had some issues with moving before. When I moved to Norway I didn't like it at first because it was different and some creepy man flashed me his penis and I was just scarred for life. Then I moved to Philadelphia and I just wasn't feeling the groove. Then I moved to Boston. At first it was strange but being surrounded by the "H" family and their love made everything feel perfect. Anyway, whenever I move I tend to hate the place I'm at in the beginning but grow to love and miss it when I leave.

So I thought with the combination of moving with a 4-month-old, major time change, massive cultural differences, minor family feuding - i.e. different stimulae that I would eventually get over it since I knew why I was feeling this way.

But I just couldn't shake that feeling. I felt jipped, lost, and all around hopeless. The Bambino and I were stuck on this island. And it sucked.

Good thing I'm not one to totally wallow in my despair. Since I've got the Bambino and I'm his only provider I had to go out and find a job. It took me a month which I thought was preetty impressive for our current economical state. The only thing is that I would be getting paid HALF of what I made in Boston and I would be taking two steps backwards in terms of job duties. But I needed to earn some sort of income so that I could afford to buy his necessities.

Even though I was earning money I still had to fall onto the shoulders of my aunts, which I hated. A mother is supposed to be able to provide for her child. So with the shame of not being able to totally provide for my child I got worse.

More to come later.....

Below is a link to a NY Times Motherlode post about parents & depression:

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