I remember thinking that he was peculiar but I loved how inquisitive he was....and how interested he seemed to be in me. We had met when I had just moved to Boston from Philadelphia. He was bold enough to kiss me the first time we met and I remember saying to him, "I don't really like to kiss in public," after he had but secretly I enjoyed his immodest action.
At the time I was just dating and wasn't really ready for a committed relationship - though I was crushing on a tattooed, financial whiz hottie - we'll call him Tattoo Man. He wasn't looking for anything serious either so the situation was perfect! Though he was the kind of fella that you could take home to meet the parents.
Anyway, I was having fun dating the fellas but I remember that I would dread leaving the Bambino's father - I wanted to stay in his arms all day and night. Have him show me around massachusetts. Talk about anything and make fun of each other. Things were decent between us - even though I realized he wasn't the type of guy you take home to meet the family (mainly because I knew nobody would like him) and he had some issues to work out - I was still drawn to him. My heart wanted him.
That's the thing about the heart, it can get you involved with some insanely dysfunctional men (or people in general).After I decided that I only wanted to be with him, I told him. Little did I know that his ex-girlfriend would call and change everything for him. Or his inner demons would be revealed. Suffice it to say, he wasn't completely over her and all of the sudden wasn't ready for a committed relationship.
I have a few rules when it comes to work: no dating coworkers and no showing your emotions. When the Bambino's father told me that he wasn't ready...I was heartbroken. I had decided to open myself up completely to him. We were talking during my lunchbreak (he used to call me at least once a day while I was at work) and I told him how I felt and that's when he broke it to me. "I'm not ready for that." Jerk off. I had to run downstairs and get outside to breathe and let a few tears drop down my cheek. I was such a pussy then when it came to men. We had only been seeing each other for a few months and I was already crying over him. Suck it up lady!
That night I went drinking with my coworkers and went home with another man (Mr. Big Bucks). We didn't do anything because I ended up crying in his apartment (freaking mess) and fell asleep on his couch. Couldn't believe how nice he was to let me do that. Maybe I should've stuck with him?
The morning after I walked around the city, went to an art festival in Government Center, visited an art gallery in the North End, and then called him. I went to his studio and we apologized to each other.
The week after he was getting ready to leave for San Fran for a month or so. We decided to take a day trip together. That was the only truly good day that we spent together. I borrowed my cousin's pick up and we drove to a few farm stands and then to Concord. He showed me a cemetery (he likes graveyards and bats -- think a non-comical Tim Burton character), we trekked the Minute Man Trail and we listened to jazz at the Concord Inn. It was the perfect day. He even signed, "I love you," to me. I got a lot of photos that day. I'll always cherish that day.
Anyway, after a few more months of not feeling good about myself and the situation I had decided to cut us off. No more romance. Just friends, if that. It was September.
A few months and one crappy movie later I declared to him that I had missed him and that I wanted us to be an us. It was November. We would take things slow and see how it went.
December came and we were getting so good. We liked each other again, I had even declared how special he was to my friends and family in a mass e-mail. Then he had to go on a road trip and I went to Seattle - leaving us 3 weeks of missing each other. When I returned from Seattle he told me I was fat. He was very unapologetic about the comment. He told me that if I didn't like that then the realtionship could end. The next day I had decided to permanently cut him out of my life.
But the next day was New Years Eve and I was pathetic enough to ditch my friend's invitation and accepted his puny apology. We watched Ed Wood. We almost missed the fireworks. We made love. That was the night we created the Bambino.
A few weeks went by, we celebrated his birthday and I got really tired. Someone had insulted my cookies and I almost wept. That was when I knew something was up. A morning of pregnancy tests and one doctor's visit -- I was officially knocked up. In the beginning of our relationship I had always told him that I would run away to Norway if he ever knocked me up. When I found out -- he was the first person I called. To make a long story short, he said that he was going to support my decision, whether if it was termination, adoption, or keeping the baby. For those who read this blog regularly - you know what his perference was.
In April we found out the Bambino was going to be a boy. He wanted a little Madeline. He was not happy. We fought in the Boston Commons as the investment team of the company I worked for walked by. All I wanted was to enjoy the day that I found out I was having a healthy baby boy. I almost walked away. He threated that if I did it would be the last I'd ever see or hear from him. I should've flipped him the bird as I walked off but I stayed.
By the time May came, there were too many nasty exchanges and I was just exhausted from all of the emotions and hormones. I called to tell him that we should take a break from each other. He agreed. I didn't hear from him for two months. In July we saw each other and he gave me a bunch of stuff for the Bambino.
After the Bambino was born I called to let him know. He was evil. He tried to be buddhist as I hung up the phone. Pathetic.
It's been almost a year since we've spoken. Not a day goes by that he isn't in my thoughts. But lately he's been in them a lot. I don't see it as a bad thing. The thoughts are just there. I wonder if he thinks about us, if he ever regrets how he acted, if he ever yearns to see his son, if he ever told his family, if he ever told his friends, if he has a ladyfriend and if he's told her, if he'll every try to contact us and if he's let go of his demons.
Do I regret having ever met him?
Not at all. He was the first and last crazy person I have dated.
At least now when I meet a nice fella - I'll appreciate him to the fullest.
For now, I'm so happy with my little fella, my love, my everything.
Look at those curious eyes!***The Bambino's father's face has been blacked out of respect for his privacy (sorry if it looks a little creepy). His identity will never be revealed to the general public.***