This is one of many vows that I have made for you.
After Tutu's two week visit we were alone in our little cottage in Salem. It was a complete joy to have your grandma visiting but I was very much looking forward to the two of us getting a chance to know each other without anyone else around. Our alone time was heavenly - we fell asleep on the couch together or in the nursing chair in your nursery or on the bed the ended being ours. We loved to sleep and you loved to suckle! I enjoyed your suckling though because it really felt like I was giving you my all.
We had two weeks to ourselves until Nana Patty came to visit. On Fridays we went to Crunchy Granola Baby for the parenting group - you slept and I inahled the motherly love that surrounded us while they answered my nursing in public questions. We walked around town. We stayed in the house. You would fidget in your moses basket or activity mat and I would scarf down a bowl of frosted mini-shredded wheats. You cooed and I awwed.
Our time alone was picture perfect.
That is until it was time for me to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I would put you in the car seat and have you play/stare with your toys while I did my thing on the toilet. Most times I waited until you fell asleep.
And then there was that one time. The time where I had to really, really go to the bathroom. It was the first time I did the #2 in weeks so I decided to take my time. I was patient for my relief. You were not. I had plans to get out whatever needed getting out. You had plans to latch on to my nipples. I told you just a few more minutes. You wailed, "Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pick me up!!! Pick me up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in your precious and (not so) fragile 3-week voice. I was feeling tortured hearing your woes while I tried to do my thang on the throne but I had to do what I needed to do - what I hadn't done in weeks. Then I had finally reached toilet nirvana. You had reached infant inferno. I saw your face, your dampened face from your hurtful tears. Those tears. That whimper. It was the first time I had experienced such sadness from such a vulnerable little bundle of loveness.
My heart broke. I scooped you up. You began to calm down. My heart pieced itself back together. You fell asleep in my arms with faint whimpers until you finally drifted into Zen mode.
As I looked at your tiny hands and your yummy face I make a vow inside of my head.
I vowed that I would do everything it took to prevent you to feel like that again. I vowed to make it known everyday that you are loved and that I, your mommy, will always be here for you. At times it may take me a while to meet your needs but I vow to always fulfill them.
You are my world. You are my love. You will always have your mommy.