July 1, 2009

Deal with it

I adopted a life motto from a friend a few years back, "Life is what you make it." As in if your life is a happy one, it is because you strived for it. Or if your life is an unhappy, then that is how you made it.

Ninety-nine percent of the time I am completely content with how my life is; I've got a beautiful Bambino, food in the fridge, a car to drive, a roof over my head, the support of my friends & family, and heck I live in freakin' Paradise! So why is it that I feel so alone and lost? This feeling of limbo is quite annoying because I hate feeling like I'm a victim but right now, at this moment in my life, I feel like the world is against me.

It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous because I am a happy person but recent events in my life have made me otherwise.

I am resentful and I can't even stand having that word in my vocabulary.

I feel detached and not even in a Zen sort of detachment from material things. Detached from family members and friends. Perhaps it's because I'm all the way on this island in the middle of the ocean. Or perhaps because I'm making myself feel like I'm on this island in the middle of the ocean, from far any sort of civilization.

Laziness is the real key here. One can always tell when I'm feeling down when I don't "have the energy" to do anything around the house. I'll get to it tomorrow, is what I think to myself and then tomorrow comes and the cycle continues.

Distracted is another word that I cannot stand. Though I'm still doing a sufficient amount of work in the office my mind wanders elsewhere. If I hadn't put up reminders on my Outlook calendar I probably would forget to do anything.

Dissatisfied is my overall emotion. I am not happy with my current financial situation, living situation, family situation, etc. Would I be happier if I had more money? Would I be happier living in Seattle where my parents and best friends are? Would I be happier if I spoke with someone about how they hurt me so badly that I can't even stand to think about them or look at them?

I'm not sure what to do, well actually I know what to do but I don't want to do anything. I just want to wollow in my self-victimized state. Curl up in a ball under my sheets. Sit in a shower and have the water pound at me. Scream.

Screaming might help.

1 comment:

Meandering Bohemian said...

All I can say is you can't taste the sweet till you've tasted the sour... Best luck... Your opportunity awaits you... (I believe that)

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