March 1, 2007

Where did little Betty run off to?

Where did little Betty run off to?
Category: Life

I'm in Boston. Boston is great. So does that mean I'm great? Recently, I've really become.........lost, limbo-esque, astray, disoriented, defunct. Any synonym you can think of for "lost" that's me. I figured me moving to Boston would help but I'm not feeling it yet. Perhaps, it's because I'm not totally in my element yet. Though, I'm stil trying to figure things out I do feel that this is the place for me right now. I know that when I'm with my cousin and her family in the country that I am truly at peace and comfortable. Is it the sense of family? Probably, whatever it is I appreciate and love it. Anyway, for the past seven months I've not only felt like there's a void but I've also felt like a void. It's weird because after realizing that I want to become a photographer I thought things would change. Before, I moved to Philadelphia I had a grand idea of who I was and what I was about. Living in Norway really helped me with that; living in a foreign land with nobody to recognize. It was exhiliarting and I really felt free. Sure, I hated the job at times but I loved that I was in Europe living a dream. Then I came back to the States. I think it was a sign when I was on the plane back from Norway that it wasn't time for me to come back. I mean, who cries the whole flight back? I looked a mess when I got off the plane. I was surprised that my parents recognized me. Anyway, that's besides the point. Coming back to the States felt more foreign to me than going to the Old Country. Don't get me wrong. I loved being home. Home is where the heart is but it wasn't time for me to return. But with clouded vision I returned, visited loved ones, and then made the move to the East Coast. I looked forward to the "great opportunity." But i was disillusioned. I knew it before I left but for some reason I chose to ignore my instincts. I stuck with it as long as I could. Realizing the professional photographer bit was GREAT! I was really happy for a while. Definitely, excited about my future. i still am but I'm at a stand-still. Somewhere in between me coming back to the States and now I lost my sense of self and I don't understand why. Was it because I felt stuck and didn't feel like taking on real responsibility? The whole, not wanting to make a decision because I didn't want to make the wrong one, since I had already done that. Whatever it was that made me feel like a barcode gone wrong I need to fix it. It's time for me to grow up. Be a woman. Be a human. Learn and understand that it's okay to make mistakes and that people are going to love and appreciate me even if I make them. I don't expect to find me immediately but I do plan on hugging myself when I do. It'd be nice to go back to loving myself again, instead of being if-ish. So, my very belated New Years Resolutions/Life Goals:-Find myself and never let go-Live how I did in Norway aka actually living life-Be excited about the new, no more of this being scared shit-Marry George Clooney (this works out because we both don't want to get married)-Stop being a doormat, I'm a worthy being. -Start writing again-Build my photography portfolio-Dance like a super publicMy goal for tomorrow, walk into that CEO's office (I applied for a Personal Assistant to a CEO position) and let him know that I'm going to be the best PA he ever had because I know how to sugar people. Okay, it's time for me to go find a pinecone.

-Miss Boots

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