A Fella

Hellllllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooo internet peeps! Most of you who read this blog are friends with me on Facebook and Twitter. My Facebook folks are kind of in on a secret that my Twitter tats aren't.

I've got a crush! It's MAJOR and I like it.

How it happened?

A few weeks ago, I decided that I would pounce at everyone who was online on Facebook. I ended up chatting with a few folks from high school and college, catching up on the years gone by. One of them was a fella from high school, who we shall name Mr. Fella. He and I ended up chatting for three or four hours! That is a long ass time for anyone to be on the internet chatting with someone. But it didn't feel like it. Though the conversation was a bit oddball, it just flowed naturally. As if we'd been friends forever.

But, honestly, I didn't think we'd talk again. I thought of it as a nice time to catch up with an old classmate.

A week later, he pounced at me on Facebook and we chatted again. For a long time. About nothing and everything. And then, I gave him my phone number. I'll admit, it was so we could send each other dirty little messages because we flirted like that on Facebook and OH. MY. GOD! I read like a Facebook hooker. Oh well. But this fella was all about the classy. He was not interested in the dirty little messages since we had only conversed twice. What a gentleman! Wrote that gesture in my notebook.

So we sent text messages to each other for a few days. Then I ballsed up and we had a phone conversation, like the people did in the old days. We picked up the phone, dialed a phone number, one of us answered and we SPOKE INTO THE PHONE. Amazing! Do people still do that? We talked on the phone for two hours. Two. Hours. On the phone with a fella. Do people still do THAT? Seriously, who does that anymore? Unless if they're your best friend.

Anyway, we've been texting and talking for two hours almost everyday since the Mancub and I left for our August adventure. I love, love, loooooooooooove talking to this man. He listens, he laughs at my corny-ass jokes, he is caring, he participates in the conversation, he pokes fun at me in the most gentle way, he has a sexy man voice, he is lovely. I love that we both look forward to talking with each other. This guy is swoon-worthy. I'm swooning.

People, I haven't swooned since Mr. Perfect, who we'll now call The Pioneer. That was seven years ago. It's been SEVEN (7) years since I've had a real, makes my cheeks rosy, gets me giddy crush. And I'm crushing hard.

He's the sort of fella that you can see yourself in a relationship with. Dare I even say, spend a life with. We're not there yet. We haven't even established anything, other than we really enjoy talking with each other. But that's the sort of man he is, the kind you marry.

While he's that type of fella, I'm just enjoying this feeling, knowing that I can feel like this and talking with him; getting to know him. I'm in no rush for anything since he's a Washington man and the Mancub and I will soon be California people. Oh yeah, we'll be moving to So-Cal so I can be closer to work. More on that at a later date. So who knows where this will go and I'm just fine with that.

So that's the scoop right now. We'll be hanging out later this week and most likely with the Mancub in tow. And do you know what he said during one of our first conversations?

"I hope the Mancub likes me when he meets me."

And then my heart burst into a million pieces.

Who doesn't swoon over a fella like that?

Labor Day

Dear Bambino,

On September 19, 2008 I had my last prenatal doctor's appointment. It was a normal day really.

I hopped on the commuter rail from Salem to Boston.

Walked to the Massachusetts General Hospital.

Took the elevator to the fourth floor.

Did the usual check up, blood pressure, weight, cervical exam.

I was told that I was still 4 cm dilated and 75% effaced.

But when the nurse took my blood pressure she noticed that it was high - 130/90. Which was unusual to my regular 120/80 or 115/65.

Though I had my high blood pressure the doctor just told me to go home and rest - after she had shoved her whole upper part of her body up my va-jay-jay.....she popped the cervical blah blah blah (I can't remember) in the hopes of getting some contractions started since I was one day past my due date and had the high blood pressure.

After the doctor's appointment I stopped by my the ole TBG office to check in on the peeps. Did a little recruiting help. Then went back home.

I turned on Friends and took a nap. This was around noon.

Three hours later I got a call from the MGH nurse.

I was to come in to get monitored for my blood pressure but was most likely going to go home unless I started natural labor.

Your Aunty Liz & Uncle Adrien took me to the city with the bags that I had packed...just in case this was the BIG day. I called your Poppie & Tutu, Aunty Megs & Brooke, Uncle Paul to tell them that I MIGHT be going into later that night.

None of us thought I would.

We were wrong.

When I arrived at the hospital and monitored for a bit I was told that I had preeclampsia and that I would have to be induced.

I wasn't too happy about this news because I wanted you to come out on your own time without any kind of interventions BUT...

if induction hadn't happened....we might not be here today.

So! At 8:00 pm on September 18, 2008 I was induced into labor. To give birth to you my love.

Like most expecting mothers we all hope that the labor is quick and as painless as possible. Most moms get to walk around while they're having their contractions.

Not this mama. Since I had the high blood pressure I had to be put on magnesium which meant that I wouldn't have the strength to walk around.

This is not what I had planned. I wanted to do everything natural so that you wouldn't be harmed in any way. I wanted to walk around and squat when I had my contractions. I wanted to birth like the women of the fields before the industrial revolution. A pioneer birther. Natural birther.

But life had different plans than I.

Around 5am my water broke. It was an amazing sensation! I felt some relief from all the pressure that I had been feeling the past two months of the pregnancy.

I was excited - you were ready to come out into the world. I thought you'd definitely be out and I'd be holding and staring at you by at the lastest 8am.

Nope. Instead the contractions decided to kick mama up the corn hole and debilitate her even more.

That's when I asked for the epidural....actually it took me a a few hours to decide whether or not if I wanted to do it because I wanted to give birth to you naturally but the contractions were unbearable. But your Aunty Liz reassured me that as long as you came out healthy and mama was still living - then isn't that what really mattered?

So with some tears the doctors gave me the epidural.

This made mama really sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy. So Mr. Sandman came to pay her a visit for a couple of hours.

It was 10 am when mama woke up and Aunty Liz & Uncle Adrien had to leave - your aunty had to go to work. Mama was sad to see her sister leave but she knew that your Aunty Collette would comfort her.

Unfortunately mama was on her own for about three hours since parking was impossible in the city on a Saturday - which made it near impossible for your Aunty Collette and cousin Erin to make it to the hospital.

Three hours later and mama's gettin' hit with the real stuff - the stuff that makes her want to squeeze, push, birth! It was time for you to come out into the world. Thankfully Aunty Collette & Erin made it just in time to help me push.

While Erin sat behind the curtains cheering on your mama and you - I pushed. Your Aunty Collette praised and encouraged - looked out the window and held my hand.

I asked them to be quiet.

I pushed. And pushed. While the nurse told me to push harder and to keep my breaths in a continuous beat. To not give up. That you were almost out she could feel your head getting closer.

Well I could feel you a lot better than the nurse but I got tired. Breathing and pushing is though work - the toughest actually. I think I made my ugly face while I pushed.

Anyway -I had hoped to have a quick pushing session - maybe 20 minutes tops. I just wanted to hold you that badly. BUT my body would have it otherwise.

I pushed for an hour wish isn't long really but it felt like a long time.

It was freaking tiresome - more so than a weekend full of playing nonstop soccer. Than shoveling dirt.

But as soon as you were out I felt such an instant relief. You were out.

I saw your head - you looked slimy and purple lined with white.

Your Aunty Collette and I momentarily debated whether or not if you were a white or brown baby.

Then your Aunty Collette followed you and the doctors. They washed you off, weighed you, and did all of the good stuff to make sure you were a healthy baby boy.

And then....

you were in my arms and I said, Oh my god! Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

And you looked at me - right at me. Those big beautiful brown eyes of yours looked right into my heart.

I was hooked. I am hooked. It was then that I became yours.

I am forever yours.

Love,
Mama

The Due Date

Dear Bambino,

The day I found out I that I was going to be growing a little person inside of me I was told that the they would be shooting out of me on September 18, 2008.

That's a year ago from today.

A year ago from today I had been on maternity leave for 2 weeks and lazying around the cottage waiting for some contractions. Since I wasn't feeling any cramping I decided to go walking around Salem to see if I could get some movement from you because I really didn't feel like going any longer with you inside of me. I did squats. Ordered the spiciest foods on the Thai menu. I even asked you nicely to please get ready to squeeze out -

it's been almost 10 months man....times a wastin'....there's so much to see! C'mon I know you want to see what's out here....Please? I'm already 4 cm dilated and 70% effaced...Mama's ready!!! You're ready! Please? Plllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

Five mintues later.....

How about now? Are you ready now? I see you moving in there! I mean you're already smashing my bladder to bits and I can FEEL your head touching my cervix! Seriously...it's time to get out. Get out. Get out. Get ooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuT! Wait nevermind - mama has to go pee...don't want you shootin' into a toilet...

I secretly wished that my water would POP! and then we'd be rarin' to go. But no.

I mean even your Aunty Liz and best friend came over to spend the night just to be there when my water did break. It didn't. You stayed put.

Sure you were cozy in there and I didn't know what was to come (sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, etc.) but I was ready for you to pop out. Come out into the world tap dancing. Or reciting Dickens. Whatever....you needed to get out.

BUT that wasn't happening. You were just chilling and having a good time inside the womb - which is also a nice thought. I made it comfortable enough for you to want to stay where you were, even though were all curled up into some kind of ball without an inch to move. You just squirmed. In fact, have I told you that was your nickname when you were just a fetus?

Yep, your Aunty Sugar Plum and Aunty Boo boo Bear called you Squirms. I loved it and I think you did too because every time they talked to you while inside of mama - you squirmed. As if you were trying to talk back to them.

Anyway, a year ago today is when you were, according to the doctor's calculations, supposed to shoot out into the world but you decided to stay. It would've been a good day to have been born according to Chinese superstition - to have the number 8 in your birthday is good luck. Something to do with how it resemebles the sign of infinite.

It was a Thursday.

Thursday's not a bad day to be born but a Saturday is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better!

We're almost there my love.

Just two more days until you're the big O-N-E.

I'm just so excited. Are you excited? This morning while changing your diaper I told you that you were going to be one in a couple of days. What did you do?

You gave me the Give me something to hold onto and play with while you change my stinky diaper woman! But of course with cute baby eyes and baby smile.

You're not going to be a baby anymore. You're going to be a Toddler. You even took some more steps last night.

Would you please get back inside the womb?

Love,
Mama

Mama's Wish

Dear Bambino,

As you played and wandered around the house this morning while cooing and babbling I started to think about you, your future, and how much brighter life has been with you in it.

I have many hopes and wishes for you but I know that they can only be just that because you'll soon have your own.

My main wish for you is that you live a life full of:

• Laughter (to the point that you just might pee your pants or fart out loud),
• Love (the real kind - where that person will always be in your life no matter how many dutch ovens you may do),
• Adventure (a mix between the Iliad and just having fun building a fort in the backyard kind), and
• Grand mistakes that you can learn from (the kind where you really, really learn your lesson not the dunce camp kind).

I also wish that I had not brought you into a world where people risk other people's lives just for a fundamentalist cause; where planes crash into buildings, bombs are dropped on villages, families torn apart by violence, children abducted from their parents, diseases & drugs ruining teenagers lives, people die from poisoned water, trees or national representatives lie to the face of those who put them in their position.

But we live in such a world and even though we do it is still a world worth living. And where I wish that you never have to go through sorrow, grief, anger, and regret - you will. You will feel those emotions but what I hope is that you'll grow from them and do something positive from them. Your life is a life worth living and always will be.

When you have love, laughter, a sense of adventure, and a willingness to learn you can do so much good.

Don't ever lose hope.

Love,

Mama

Songs Played While You Were Baking

Dear Bambino Boy,

While your mama may not know the titles or names of artists of all of her favorite songs but she is still obsessed with music.  You can bet that a song heard will set the tone of your mama's moment.  For example, if "Australia" by The Shins is playing - your mother will be dancing and singing along.  If Fiona Apple's "Limp" is playing - she'll get a hint of angst inside of her. 

When lady mama was pregnant with you she would either blast her stereo or put headphones on her belly so you could listen to what she was listening to - she also hoped you would dance inside the womb to her favorite songs.

Here are some of tracks she'd play for you:

Road to Nowhere - Talking Heads
Thank You For Sending Me an Angel - Talking Heads
Love Song - Sarah Bareilles
Dashboard - Modest Mouse
Whip It - Devo
Svett och Tarar - Snook
100 Days, 100 Nights - Sharon Jones
Chinese Translation - M. Ward
Elephant Gun - Beirut...actually anything Beirut
O Valencia - The Decemberists
Australia - The Shins
Joy - Talib Kweli

And many, many more but we'll start with that.  Mama really loved playing Talking Heads for you - especially "Road to Nowhere," it's just so fun and always put mama in a good mood. 

Your mommy is so excited to introduce you to many new songs and musical artists - dance silly to it - go to music festivals - take you to your first concert - the possibilities are limitless when it comes to music!

Cheers to the music in your ears, mind, and heart.

Love,
Mama Lady

Mama's Vow

                                                                    

 Dear Bambino,

This is one of many vows that I have made for you.

After Tutu's two week visit we were alone in our little cottage in Salem.  It was a complete joy to have your grandma visiting but I was very much looking forward to the two of us getting a chance to know each other without anyone else around.  Our alone time was heavenly - we fell asleep on the couch together or in the nursing chair in your nursery or on the bed the ended being ours.  We loved to sleep and you loved to suckle!  I enjoyed your suckling though because it really felt like I was giving you my all. 

We had two weeks to ourselves until Nana Patty came to visit.  On Fridays we went to Crunchy Granola Baby for the parenting group - you slept and I inahled the motherly love that surrounded us while they answered my nursing in public questions.  We walked around town.  We stayed in the house.  You would fidget in your moses basket or activity mat and I would scarf down a bowl of frosted mini-shredded wheats.  You cooed and I awwed. 

Our time alone was picture perfect. 

That is until it was time for me to go to the bathroom.  Sometimes I would put you in the car seat and have you play/stare with your toys while I did my thing on the toilet.  Most times I waited until you fell asleep. 


And then there was that one time.  The time where I had to really, really go to the bathroom.  It was the first time I did the #2 in weeks so I decided to take my time.  I was patient for my relief.  You were not.  I had plans to get out whatever needed getting out.  You had plans to latch on to my nipples.  I told you just a few more minutes.  You wailed, "Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Pick me up!!!  Pick me up now!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  in your precious and (not so) fragile 3-week voice.  I was feeling tortured hearing your woes while I tried to do my thang on the throne but I had to do what I needed to do - what I hadn't done in weeks.  Then I had finally reached toilet nirvana.  You had reached infant inferno.  I saw your face, your dampened face from your hurtful tears.  Those tears.  That whimper.  It was the first time I had experienced such sadness from such a vulnerable little bundle of loveness.

My heart broke.  I scooped you up.  You began to calm down.  My heart pieced itself back together.  You fell asleep in my arms with faint whimpers until you finally drifted into Zen mode. 

As I looked at your tiny hands and your yummy face I make a vow inside of my head. 

I vowed that I would do everything it took to prevent you to feel like that again.  I vowed to make it known everyday that you are loved and that I, your mommy, will always be here for you.  At times it may take me a while to meet your needs but I vow to always fulfill them. 

You are my world.  You are my love.  You will always have your mommy.

Lovingly,

Mama

How to Scare Your Mother

I thought about naming this post, "How to scare the shit out of your mother," but I had already taken care of my business before I had the scare of my life.

Every morning while getting ready I do my toilet routine.  As I walk to my bathroom, I tell the Bambino that "Mama's going to the toilet, my love," and he'll whine and follow me to the room.  I'll close the bathroom door and he'll either a) whine and cry or b) play with my unhung clothes and his toys while I do my business. 

Today, I heard him playing while I sat on the throne but heard him stop - I thought he went to another part of the room.  When I finished my business I washed my hands and walked out into the bedroom and saw that he wasn't in the room.  Hmm...that's ok because he's either in the living room or peering through his Uncle Lou's bedroom door. 

He wasn't at his uncle's door and he wasn't in the living room.

So I went back to the our bedroom to see if he was hiding on the other side of the bed.  No.

Then I went back out to the living room to see if he was hiding in one of the cabinets.  No.

I looked in my brother's room and asked if he had the Bambino.  No.

Then I looked in the kitchen to see if he was able to squeeze his way through the makeshift barricade that I create every morning with the dining room chairs.  No.

This is when I started to freak out and scream out his name.  I ran out onto the patio.  No Bambino.  I screamed his name.  No reply.  Then I started thinking, "Holy fuck is my baby choking on something and can't respond?  Or has something fallen on him and he's buried?  Where is my baby?  Where is my little Bambino?  Where is he?  Where is he?  Where.  Is.  He?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Tears were flowing down my face, my heart was pumping a million miles per milisecond.  I just wanted to find my Bambino.  Hug him.  Kiss him.  Hoping that he's ok.  I just keep screaming his name waiting for a reply.  He usually makes a, "Da!" or "Ma!" or "Doo doo!" sound but nothing.  No sounds.  Just my screaming his name and my hyperventalating.  I'm looking in every room; opening and closing doors - going back to open the doors just in case so he can get out.

Every room except for the bathroom. 

I go back to the bathroom and find him sitting there chewing on his bath toys.  I scoop him up, hold him close to me, and just wail - then fall to the ground and just hold him.  Stroke his hair.  Kiss his head.  Rock back and forth - so thankful that he's ok.  That he's not choking on something.  That he was still in the house.  That he's in my arms and I can feel him, smell him, and look at his sweet face.  I'm not sure how he got into the bathroom after I closed the door but I'm just thankful that I was able to find him, in one piece and smiling with his bath toys in his mouth.

Next time I use the john I will either a) strap him to the swing with a bottle leaving on PBS Kids, b) put him in the crib with toys, c) ask his Uncle Lou to hang out with him, or d) just leave the bathroom door open from now on - I'd rather see him, see that he's happy playing with some toys on the bathroom floor and have my bathroom alone time interrupted.  Because that feeling, where you've almost lost hope because of the fear and anger of not knowing where your baby is, not knowing if he's ok - I don't ever want to feel that again.

Thinking Thoughts

A few things that have been on my mind:

• Teething babies
• Seattle
• Boston and my old job
• Family in Boston
• Poppie and Tutu
• The Starfish Project and my overall body image
• Baby Boot Camp
• The Baby Planner and wishing I had the 7K to buy it - I would totally rock and expand it and how nice it would be to be my own boss, work from home, and help out other mamas and soon-to-be mamas
• Social Media and how annoying yet vital it is for my life
• Venomous words
• Bucket lists
• Blogs about loves ones lost and how they created great foundations in their memory
• Dating
• Why married men hit on women
• The Bambino's godfather
• The Bambino's first birthday
• $$$$
• Must find good leads for friends new business venture
• Product reviews
• Teen pregnancy in Hawaii
• Families in Hawaii
• Library books
• Babysitting this weekend - ugh
• Cleaning the townhouse
• Interviews and articles for the Examiner
• How badly I wish the Bambino and I had our own place and he had his own room - fun decorating times!
• Hoping I'll get to a point where I can start a 529 Savings Plan for the Bambino
• How much I want to snuggle up with the Bambino

My mind is a little tired.

Feeling Like a Mama

Last night I felt like a mom, I mean an actual get up in the middle of the night, start a pot of boiling water, go outside to cut some rosemary, put it in the boiling water, while the Bambino sits in his high chair and eats some Gerber puffs all because he's teething and can't breathe through his nose kind of mama.

That's right, the Bambino is teething. He's got his lower & upper front teether, the two teeth besides the upper teeth, and now he's growing some more lower teeth. He is not a happy camper. Add a stuffy/runny nose and you've got a sore gummed, clogged up Bambino.

Since I try to do remedies as natural as possible I put on some rosemary boiling water, then put it in the sink, hung a towel over the Bambino's and my head to let the steam help clear him up (I had just sprayed the shower with Tilex due to the massive mildew so there was no way I was having my baby breathe in chemical steamed air) and then we sat outside for a few minutes to help him clear up some more. We did this 5 times. Then I whipped out the Baby Vicks and rubbed that on his chest to help him breathe the rest of the night.

The stuffy nose wouldn't be so bad if he weren't teething but since he is, he wants to have the pacifier in his mouth ALL NIGHT which makes for even more difficult breathing hence the steaming and vicks.

But at one o'clock in the morning when he woke up again and I caved in to give him some infant Tylenol to help soothe his gums and so he could sleep without his pacifier.

The kid did not wake up until 5 minutes before we had to leave to go to the babysitters and me go to work. That's one tired Bambino.

What I found interesting about last night was that I wasn't phased by the crying, whining, steaming, rubbing, tylenol. It all felt natural. I really felt like a mom rocking the Bambino while we sat under the stars, watching him phase in and out. The patience that I had was surprising. In the beginning I was yelling and crying to his woes because I didn't understand and I wanted my freedom back. But now the waking up in the late night to bring him into bed with me because he just wants to snuggle feels right, normal, like home.

Even more, I felt like a mama last night because he looked up at me with his tired and drunk (from milk) eyes and mumbling mouth to call me "mama" while I swayed with him under the moon.

Wishing for what is not...

...but could be - just gotta work my ass off!

Here I am now:

Very, very round face...definitely lookin' heavy.

The arms! Oh the horror of the flabby arms! Thankfully, the dress and the Bambino hide my stomach - not a pretty sight. Right now I weigh 221 lbs. Ack, just a few pounds away from my pregnancy weight! The heaviest I've ever been. It's not pretty or healthy.

Here's how I looked at 8 months pregnant:

Not too fat lookin' - good and preggers. Sorry Brooke, I know you hate this picture - blame the fact that I didn't take very many preggo pictures with the Bambino so I had very few choices (an actual regret that I have - well if I ever have more then I will have learned my lesson). I'm about 215 lbs here.

Here I am a few months after my return from Norway:

With the Workman Cousins: Micah, me, Charity, and Faith. Not too shabby, I came back from Norway weighing around 155 lbs. and gained a few more like 10 around this time. Don't my cousins look like models? Yeah, they're gorgeous.

Here I am just before leaving Norway (forgive the goofy look, I wasn't really into have my picture taken):

Right before I left Norway I weighed around 190 lbs and left weighing 155-160 lbs, which was awesome. Credit to the massive amounts of walking, cross country skiing, and eating healthier than I did in college. It was also helpful to live with such an active family and surrounded by fresh out of high school gal friends who still had their fresh out of high school bodies.

Speaking of high school bodies; here I am at 14-years-old:Now some of you may say to yourself - 14? Why are you posting a photo of yourself at 14?!?!?! Well folks, this is what I looked like throughout high school. I left weighing 130 lbs. I wore a size 10 (I had a J-Lo bum), played soccer 6 days a week (Fridays were off days) for 2 hours each day. During the summer I'd always lose around 10 lbs because we played more often and had tournaments with multiple games a day on the weekends. So, it was easier for me to stay in shape.

What happened? No self-discipline happened. As soon as I left for college I gained the weight. No parents to monitor when I had candy or how many breakfast sandwiches I could eat. Actually, I did a lot of ups and downs during my days at university - sometimes I was able to lose it and sometimes it just stuck. Before I left for Norway it definitely stuck. It also didn't help that when I turned 21 I drank like a lush and ate like there was no tomorrow. Basically, my lifestyle wasn't beneficial for me at all.

After having the Bambino (in Boston) I was losing some of the baby weight because I was breastfeeding the Bambino, didn't have time to eat (which totally frusturated the milk production), commuted to work which meant I would walk up and down Beacon Hill's, Joy Street, everyday and walked home from the train station everynight. And then....

I moved to Hawai'i, land of the plenty papayas and...lau lau, almost everykind of asian foods, kalua pig, rice, rice, rice, manapua, musubi, mochi, and did I mention rice? And with the driving everywhere, sitting on my ass at a desk all day, and no more Baby Boot Camp (sad, so, so sad) I was bound to get F-A-T!

So now I have a goal and a mission.

Coming soon to a scale near you: Project Goal Weight.

What do you do to stay in shape?

Unsolicited advice from cranky solicitors

Thankfully since my start of motherhood I haven't received much unsolicited advice on how to raise the Bambino but those few times that I have...oh man do they sting.

Cranky advice giver - Do you understand why you have nightmares about accidentally forgetting your son? Or why you have guilt issues of not having a father in his life? Do you realize that you're only hurting him but not going out? You're going to turn him into a Mama's Boy! [read, "Do you get that I'm pretty much calling you an insufficient & inefficient mother?]

Me - Uh...buh?!?!

It's usually (older) family members who prick their venomous stingers in my chest and (forgive the mixed metaphors) pound you with a club on the head making you inable to respond with any kind of rational response. Now I'm not sure if this family member just said this because they were upset that I didn't go out shopping with my other family, leaving the cranky family member with alone time with the Bambino. I don't care what their reason, I didn't ask for their advice and probably never will considering certain facts.

People tell me to take anything that people say, in a negative form, with a grain of salt. Easier said than done when it comes to family. For me I want to honor my family and make them feel secure and confident when it comes to me. Sure I've done a few things in my past that some would consider flaky but if that's the worst that I've done then so be it.

Yes, I'd rather hang out with my son on the weekends than go out and party or go shopping. That's what parents do, they teach their children, discipline them, laugh with them, hug them, provide for them, and love them. Just because I'm a single mom doesn't mean that I can't do all of all of those things. Couple parents vs. single parents - that shouldn't even be allowed to be uttered. Parents are parents and the majority of them do their duties the best that they can, whether they're single or partnered.

I had nightmares of forgetting the Bambino because that's what a lot of new mothers do - they fear that they just might fuck things up. My pangs of guilt of him not having a father influence currently have subsided because he's got my brother, my uncles, and his Poppie to be the male influences that he needs. I don't leave the Bambino much on weekends because that is the only time that we can have a good amount of time together plus when else am I going to get the chance to swim with him in a lagoon or watch him take his first steps? And if he becomes a mama's boy then so be it, most guys are anyway.

How do you handle unsolicited advice?

Revolt of the throne

Every morning, like almost every human being I know of, I get up to use the toilet. And every morning the Bambino screams and pounds on the bathroom door while I'm on it. Now I'm sure I could leave the door open and let him roam around in the bathroom, try to climb up my leg while I do my business but the toilet room is supposed to be the ONE place that I can be in peace but nooooooooooooooooooo...

It's seriously like there's a revolution going on outside of the door with all of the door banging and baby hootin' and hollarin'.

So these are some things I've tried to distract him while I do my thang on the throne:

• Laid out his toys to play with right in front of the door so he's close to me but occupied and not in the bathroom with me;
• Put him in the living room, turn on the Baby Einstein, and plug him with his morning bottle;
• Opened the drawers in the closet (it's pretty much a walk-in) and let him sift through his clothes;
• Sometimes he's still asleep when I get up so I just pray and chant (in my head) that he won't wake up.

Putting him in the other room with a bottle seems to work the best but I don't like that I can't hear him so most of the time I just let him bang on the door and I just think about the day he will no longer have separation anxiety.

I won't get into when I have to do the #2 (POOP) but I'm always surprised that he hasn't broken down the door yet when I take so long on the john.

But seriously Bambino? You can't at least give mama 30 seconds (sometimes 5 minutes for those crappy moments) to herself?

Suggestions anyone?

Project Get My Life in Order

That's right folks in an attempt to get rid of the "bad ju-ju" as my bestie the Starfish would put it I'm initiating my own little, "Project Get my Life in Order."

What's on the list?

HOME & GARDEN:

• Manage the gardens; weed, water, BEAUTIFY!
• Organize and clean the kitchen - maybe ask the lady of the house if I can paint the cabinets a brighter color because it's one dreary lookin' kitchen
• Clean and steam the carpet - I can't believe I've been letting the Bambino crawl around on it for as long as I have
• Organize my closet - Hang, fold, and iron! Maybe that way when I do accidentally sleep in, I won't have to scramble around the house trying to get ready in 15 mins....with a baby!
• Setup a recycling bin and sanitize the garbage area
• Wash my car and take it in for a tune-up

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY - IT'S A RICH MANS WORLD:

• Either find a second job, i.e. babysit on the weekends (awesome for the Bambino...weekend friends!) or get goin' on my Examiner articles...or both?
• Start my register again because money is tight and I'm not doing so hot with my finances
• Negotiate, negotiate
• Hate to say it but maybe even try to find a better paying, more stimulating job...tough in the current market but not impossible
• Start a savings account for the Bambino and hopefully within a year a 529 Savings Plan
• This isn't entirely about money but get all of the legal jazz in order, as in a will (just in case purposes) which does involve money
• Goal - Stay out of the red

BODY IMAGE:

• Do my own Baby Boot Camp, that is until we get a night class going!
• Go for a walk everynight, the Bambino loves going for walks with me so perfect mama/baby bonding time
• Go hiking or swimming every weekend or every other weekend because there tends to be a lot social functions happenin'
• Buy local and eat local - no more restaurant chains!
• Even though I already have - cut down on the coffee and chocolates

WHERE IS MY MIND?:

• Start writing in my journal again
• Take more photos
• Write more letters to friends and family instead of just e-mails
• Write more - in general
• Lose the resentment jazz because it ain't good music
• Look at my surroundings and appreciate them
• Renovate the blog and settle
• Get serious and do.

WHY THE BAMBINO ROCKS MY WORLD:

• Enjoy and cherish every moment with the Bambino
• Be more patient and gentle in those oh so crazy, baby ranting, mama hair ripping moments
• Talk and sing to him more often - it's amazing how singing to him can calm his fussiness
• Take more photos of him and post more updates - that's right more Bambino updates...I just might create a daily Bambino section with photos galore!
• Do what I can do provide the best for him - that means giving up my pride and giving in
• Love him more

Quite the list but I plan on doing each and everyone of those. Some of them will be ongoing and some I'll be able to check off within the next few weeks or so.

Photos shall be accompanied with the words of the upcoming, Project Get my Life in Order, posts.

Raising religion

Growing up my dad used to take me to different types of places of worship; Prostetant, Gospel, Jewish temples, etc. I once had a Mormon babysitter and even remember watching Mormon videos with one of my childhood friends in San Diego. Then my oldest friend was raised a Jevoha's Witness, so I had to learn fast that certain holidays were not celebrated. Part of junior high and high school I attended youth groups; Assembly of God and non-denominational Young Life. In college I minored in Religious Studies and actually tried my darndest to write about how the Inquisition created Crypto-judaism for my senior thesis in Spanish. I learned about the Druze while I was in London from my best friend. I've written about Hinduism, Christianity, Jainism (I even had a Jain rommate), Islam (dated a muslim while I lived in Norway), and was introduced to the idea of Unitarian Universalism when I lived in Boston (due to the fact that I worked next door to one of their church headquarters). I also contemplated becoming a relgious studies professor. And in the Polynesian & Irish culture (my ethnic backgrounds), polytheism and paganism plays a huge role. (Oh and yes I pretty much just bragged at how versed I am in religion)

Safe to say that I've been surrounded by religion all my life. Religion fascinates me.

Since I've been introduced to so many religions of the world it is difficult for me to choose one or more like I refuse to choose one. Each religion has some valid points, points that are true to those who follow their own religion. Though I do not agree with some of those who are fundalmentalists, I understand why they are and though I tend to agree more with secularists I sometimes question why they are not fundmentalists.

Either way to me, the abosulte definition of religion is control. Think about it, when someone says, "I did ____ religiously." What are they really saying? That they did it with a self-controlled mindset.

Religions will be introduced to the Bambino as he grows up and if one day he says to me, "Ma, I just don't care to know anymore," then I'll stop. He will be allowed to pursue the ideals and theories of religion and to not. If he instead chooses to pursue mokeys instead then have at it Bambino! I'm just getting sick of the folks who are preachin', preachin' like the world is going to end in 5 minutes. Or shouting, "Give yourself up to the Lord!" and then that person not really practicing what they preach.

I had a Seriously? moment this weekend when I picked up my brother from the other side of the island. Someone was talking God and Jesus to him all week. I understand that this person wants my brother to be in a good place when he passes but my brother is a good guy. He doesn't do drugs, get drunk, and sleep with lots of ladies. Sure he's a little lazy and selfish but he's such a great kid. He's got so much love for his friends and family. So why wouldn't he be in a good place in his after-life? And more importantly what is religion going to really change about my brother anyway? He's way more self-composed and kinder than some adults I know.

Anysnooze, I will do my best to introduce the Bambino to as much as I can - in a loving, supportive, and non-overstimulating way. I'd love for him to understand why certain cultures are the way they are and how much religion has shaped the world's history. Religion is such an important part of the human race.

What I want him to realize is that it is faith from within that will get him through each day and that it is faith that will connect him with those who surround him.

I think that is what religion and its followers were trying to do but control came into the mix and things sort of got mixed up.

Anyway, who knows if heaven or hell is real and what is the truth, which is another tangent I could go off on but won't I'll just end it with the following:

While researching for my paper on Hinduism I stumbled across a quote -

Truth is beyond any human comprehension; it is beyond space, beyond time, and beyond any reality that we've ever known.
-Unknown