October 7, 2009

Not alone.

People have their low points, some lower than others - that's why looney bins were created.

I've had a few really low points in my life and by low I mean completely selfish metldowns that happened because I wasn't being honest with myself. Though one meltdown was due to the feeling of complete and utter abandonment.

My first horrible meltdown was in a car ride to a friend's birthday celebration. I was screaming at my boyfriend at the time, we'll call him.....Mr. Perfect (because he was the perfect boyfriend...seriously) because I felt that he should've stuck up for me...when really he shouldn't have. I was being a complete ass and deserved to get my ass ripped in two by the guy who did so. In fact, I was a complete ass my first two years of college. But I had had it. I screamed like seriously screamed. Not just nagging screams but complete crazy girl screams at her innocent boyfriend who wasn't at all in the wrong. How to lose a guy in 10 days (after two years of dating)? Scream at him for nothing.

Another meltdown was the first few nights the Bambino and I were home from the hospital. That crying. The stressful sounds consumed my mind to the point that all I could do was scream and cry back. Why was my baby crying? I'm doing all that I can! When all I really had to do was realize that this was a HUGE change in my life and that I would just have to go with the flow. I also had to realize that sleep just wasn't part of the parenting/newborn agenda. After that I was cool as a clam.

The worst meltdown was when I was pregnant with the Bambino. I had just moved into my new apartment in Salem, Mass. I hadn't met my new neighbors yet though my sister lived in the same town and I had a coworker who lived just down the street. Though I put on a happy face during my pregnancy and tried to act as though I felt supported and loved - deep down inside I didn't. I felt so alone and abandoned. The majority of my top people lived in Washington state and another in Chicago and well the Bambino's father had had enough of me. Though I had my sister nearby she was either working or being a young college girl...totally understandable. I just didn't really feel like I could reach out to her. My coworker is married and well - didn't feel like interrupting their married life. My cousin has a family and very busy life and did everyting she could for mea lready. So it was just me and the little man inside of me.

Anyway, one day I decided to go for a walk and pick up a few things I needed for the apartment. I decided to leave my phone at home since I wasn't going to be out long and go out the back door thinking I had my front door unlocked. After I ran my errands I came back home only to find that I had left the door handle unlocked but kept the chain locked inside of the door. My back door was of course locked too.

I tried to see if I could unlock the chain from the outside but of course I couldn't get the door open wide enough to reach.

Then I searched my bag for my phone but I had left it inside the house thinking I wouldn't need it.

My neighbors weren't home so I couldn't ask them for help. I couldn't call my sister to help me out. My coworker and his wife weren't at home.

Fuck. I'm fucked. How the fuck am I going to get into my apartment? I have nobody. Nobody is here to help me. Where the fuck is my baby's father to help me on this? Where the fuck are my friends and family? I need them here.

What am I supposed to do now?

And then I saw a truck parked on the side of the street with a toolbox in the back and a man walking towards the truck. So I walked up to him and asked if I could borrow a screwdriver so I could unlock myself out of my apartment. He was nice enough to do the work for me. I kept my cool and thanked him for his help.

Then I got inside, fell to the floor and just cried. I feel like crying now just thinking back on that moment. That moment when I really felt I had no one to turn to and just so abandoned. I can't think of any other word than abandonment. Seriously, imagine yourself being the only person in the entire world with nothing to surround you. Absolutely nothing and nobody. A black hole inside and out of you. That is how I felt.

And then I called my sister and then I really cried. I cried so hard and loud that if I had died from crying my spirit would've lingered and scared away anyone who tried to move into that apartment. That was the strength of my sorrow at that moment. Even though her words weren't the most comforting it was the fact that she was there to answer the phone when I called. That she wanted to say something comforting. That she came and spent the night with me that evening so I wouldn't feel alone anymore. Again, I'm getting tears just thinking about it.

All those factors made me realize that even though I wasn't getting the exact comfort that I had hoped for I was still getting it. I still had people in my life to love me and for me to love back. In fact, a little person would be arriving in three months to fill my life with laughter, hugs, kisses, farts, stomach butterflies and make your heart melt smiles. And in the meantime I could feel him hiccup and kick inside of me.

So I wasn't really alone and never am.

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