One thing is for certain with me: I will always change my mind.
One moment I will think that life is too sad to write and then the next, I'm writing the next Iliad and the Odyssey.
Or...
I'll make an appointment to speak with a therapist with everything that has been happening and has happened in my life from since I can remember. Then the day before the appointment I'll contemplate cancelling because I'm almost back to my old self - happy!
After contemplating I decide to stick with the plan because heck 30 minutes of talking about myself to a stranger certified in shrinking heads couldn't be that bad?
And then I think about what my mom said before she got on the plane with my dad for their cruise around Europe,
Mom - "Did it help the last time you saw a therapist?"
Me - "No. Not at all."
(Sigh) Then I think, well that's because I didn't really put any effort into sharing what was really going on with me (when I was 16 and lost) and because I had befriended a girl who made things so much less complicated. Plus, who needs a therapist when you've got stellar family and friends?
When you can't muster the courage to talk with certain family members and your friends, as great as they are, just can't listen to the same thing anymore.
So with little shame and lots of courage I'm going to open myself up to a medically certified stranger. I'm going to talk about what has been on my mind and be honest with him, in the hopes that I will be honest with myself.
Last night after dinner with my cousin, Aunty Maka, she said that I need to be honest with myself and maybe then I'll figure out what are the roots of my problems.
Hopefully then I can stop relying on people to make me feel better because one day I'm going to be alone. The Bambino will grow up and wander off into the world, my parents as much as I hate to admit will not physically always be present, my friends and family are dispersed around the world, and who knows if I'll ever meet a man with whom I'll spend the rest of my life. So I need to be prepared for that day when I am all by myself without anyone to comfort me.
Another thing is for certain.
I need to learn how to comfort myself.
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1 comment:
I know it sounds cliched, but just the fact that you are reaching out for help is huge Jo. It takes a lot of courage. I remember not talking about anything pertinent for almost 3 sessions before I felt comfortable enough in my own skin to actually divulge a little bit about me. And I would tell her how stupid I felt because I was coming to therapy and not talking.... Total reject. There is no precedent for you, so just embrace that. He'll have no preconceived notions of you, and will be on your side. Its a beautiful thing. If I haven't told you this lately, I am proud of you. Proud and amazed.
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