June 24, 2009

"You kick the bucket and I'll swing my legs"

***I tried to edit and shorten this but this is as short as I could get this. Let's hope all of you don't have the attention span of a gerbel.***

A nice little drawing he did before we know that the Bambino was going to be a boy. He so badly wanted a girl. I'm quite thankful to have a little boy around since I know I wouldn't be able to hang with playing dress-up and dolls.

The Bambino's father had given me a CD the last time I saw him along with a painting he made for the babe, a racoon puppet, photo album and a random t-shirt from a music store in San Francisco. The painting hangs above his crib and today I listened to the CD, which I had listened to the day he had given it to me but I sort of just put it in my big cd case and left it to, for lack of a better word, rot.

When looking for a disc to listen to in the car I'll pass it, look at it, do a kind of upper lip snare to it, and then move on. I guess a part of me feels like I'm flippin' the dude off in my own way (sure some days I'm totally unhappy about the man not being present in the Bambino's life). Except for today, I was at a long red light and really couldn't find anything that I felt would satisfy my aural hunger, so I took it out of hibernation.

The first time I listened to the disc I wasn't really impressed, I had already heard most of the songs (and most of them reminded me too much of him) but I did really enjoy one song by the Kings of Leon, "Bucket." I'm not sure if it's the drums or Caleb Followill's longing voice but I'm drawn to this song. Kind of like how I was drawn to the Bambino's father.

I'm not really sure why I was so pulled by him, it wasn't his looks although he's quite attractive. It wasn't his art, he's talented but I wasn't moved by it. It sure as heck wasn't that he was an open minded, kind-hearted liberal, he's more of an everything should be my way, I'm a hero kind of person. Of course he would say that I'm an indoctrinated, fat brat but maybe that's why I found him fascinating (sick I know, just wait it gets better). Or maybe it was because I thought that if I showed him what it was like to be loved unconditionally (ummm...what was I thinking?) he would want learn to love himself. And that was just it. He didn't love himself which meant he could never really love me but my heart fell for him.

I met him at the same time that I was interested in someone else but the other fella wasn't quite making any moves or showing that he wanted a relationship. At the time I didn't think I really wanted a relationship either but then I met him. When we first met I thought he was odd and asked too many questions but then I found that his interest in getting to know me was appealing and made me feel special. He looked at me with focus. I loved it. I loved the attention that I was getting from him. I also loved that it was so easy to talk with him. Candor became one of the things I most appreciated about the relationship we shared.

In the beginning we sort of had an open relationship because I wasn't ready to settle down but while dating the other fellas he was always in the back of my mind. I would wish that it was with him that I was watching the sunset or having a picnic. After a couple of months I decided that I would only see him but then....the rest of it became complicated suffice it to say that we sort of went on a hiatus.

We started seeing each other again after a visit from my best friend but never gave each other a label but he was the one I wanted to see and talk with before I went to bed after a long day of work. Things were ok and then.....

Let's just say in the beginning we were pretty supportive of each other, what decision would we make? It sucked because I found out I was pregnant right before he had to leave for a month long trip so before he left I had decided to terminate the pregnancy because I wanted to keep him in my life and because I didn't think I was ready. Deep down I knew that if I carried on with the pregnancy I would raise the baby alone. Perhaps he would come and visit us but I knew it would all be on me but a part of me just hoped. I really, really hoped that he would want to be a part of our child's life. We had created this baby. We should be happy and raise the little one together. Not as a couple because even though I loved him I knew he wasn't the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Just as two people who cared for each other and created another little person together.

Anyway, he was out of the picture and again it's all very complicated or there just isn't enough attention span but we saw each other one last time, in an attempt to reconcile. What came of it was a mixed cd, painting, blinding orange shirt, and resentment. The last time we spoke was worse, again I won't get into it but I don't want him around us at this moment or in the near future.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about him but after listening to the CD he made me I just started thinking about him, him & me, him, me, & the Bambino and me, the Bambino, minus him. Our life right now is much better without him in it just because he has some self exploration to do but at times I just really miss the friendship that he and I had. Before the drama (although there always seemed to be some sort of drama, even though we understood each other, we really didn't get each other) I really enjoyed being in his company. I miss our candor, that (romantic) realtionship was the first where I was completely candid & honest with someone. It was because of him that I became ready to venture into a committed relationship again.

It was with him that I was able to have such a beautiful, beautiful little person that I so lovingly call my Bambino.
And it is the Bambino who will forever hold my heart.


Sunny Days said...

Great blog, Redwing. I've always wondered how you ever managed to be so calm, cool and collected about all the ups and downs of life ... good to see you've got the inner conflict / ever so human side as well. If only Bambino knew what a warrior woman mama he's got ... and if I had only half of your vim, vigor and determination in life!

Sunny Days said...

PS I think that's my favourite blog title yet!

He wears Nature Babycare Diapers. said...

At first I wondered who "Sunny Days" is but it's YOU!!!!!! Thanks very much my favorite expat ;o)


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